Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Alone, But Not, Continued...

Hello fair reader... Or shall I say: "Fair void in space where I dump my brain?" For nobody actually reads my thoughts. This is merely a cyber prayer to God that someone might stumble upon, but the possibility of that is, in itself, infinitesimally small.

I had a lengthy blog night before last when I attempted to continue my aching soul's musings on my present relational state of affairs. LoL... Or shall we say: "Sad lack of any sort of relational affair?" I mused on a dream that I had, which cemented it further into my tired, thirsty brain. I wrote about in in sharp detail, but when I hit: "Publish Post," it disappeared. The hour was late, and in disgust, I merely logged out and went to bed. My quadra-ped and I cannot keep hours deep into the night and still awake and become functional by the predawn hour when I need to come about and get myself to work.

This Saturday, the 16th, at 3:15 pm it will have been three weeks since I heard the voice of my gentleman friend with whom I was hoping I was building some sort of relationship. Four months of dates, four months of puppy love style flirting between mature adults, and all of the sudden... Nothing. Friends try to encourage me, that as he is in the collegiate education business as well, an the semester is just now starting, that he could well have been as busy trying to prepare as I have been. Busy enough that even signing on to Facebook to send an iHeart for the day might not have been feasible. Something tells me that the encouragement may be for naught. I don't know. The whole business just makes me sad.

But the dream was beautiful. Maybe I'll try writing about it again sometime soon. If I can recall what it is at all...
Wish I could have Grape Nuts and Honey Greek Yogurt for breakfast in the morning. Instead, it will be a 100% protein, less than 200 calorie snack. Gotta get back in my curvy girl jeans.
That seems to be it for now~~

OH! PS~~
I saw this wallpaper last night that I saved back because I liked it so much... "I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times, hard to handle. BUT if you can't handle me at my worst, then you ABSOLUTELY DON't deserve me at my best........

I think I like that!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Strangely Alone, but Not....

Hello Fair Reader and Tenants of The Sword and Butterfly, I must apologize for my absence, but things have been hectic of late. Please, take a mug of tea, pile up in a warm, over-stuffed chair, and relax for a bit. Why don't we catch up for a few minutes?

angel Pictures, Images and Photos

When I started this blog, I started it for a myraid of reasons. Most of which was to express my heart and my mind through a journey of recovery back from emotional, psychological, and financial abuse by a former spouse. It lasted over a decade before I had the understanding and the courage to choose to get out. I hoped to be that little voice perhaps in this huge void of cyber space that somehow reaches someone going through the same thing. Maybe give them the courage to search for the strength to get out and never look back. I know that many women aren't as fortunate as I am in having a supportive family and friends to get me through and assure that I never have to look back. That is a blessing since there is a child involved who still very much loves her Daddy.

The problem with the way I attacked this blog is that I was holding part of myself back. Trying to be personal without investing ALL of myself. Whatever is a blog unless it is a real, personal expression of self? Probably just a bunch of hot air? I don't know. So, my pledge to myself from here ever after is that what is blogged here is me. My heart, my soul, my triumphs and fears... It will probably never be the epic masterpiece that was the: "Julie/Julia Project," but hey! Everyone needs something, right?

Read and reflect on the following quotation for a few minutes:

"Throughout life you will meet one person who is unlike any other. This person is one you could forever talk to. They understand you in a way that no one else does or ever could. This person is your soul mate, your best friend. Don't ever let them go, for they are your guardian angel sent from heaven up above." ~~Source Unknown

Amazing, isn't it? I found it last night and first copied and pasted it to my Facebook status. It has haunted me since. So now, it finds my way here, becuase in the minute I finished reading the quote, the image of who this person is to me, came to me. In fact, I have called him: "My Guardian Angel" for years. He's the one person in the world that I don't have to guard my tongue or my thoughts around. I have always somehow known that he gets me better than even my parents and I feel safe sharing my heart with. For the first time in decades, we are at a point in our lives where seven years difference in age doesn't matter, we've both learned a lot of lessons in life (the hard way) and really don't care about what anyone else thinks (but my parents, who are supportive of this friendship, what ever it is and becomes), and neither of us is married anymore. He tried it three times, and I just stayed in my ugly situation a little over a decade after I knew I should have gotten out.

I love him.

Dear God! How I truly love this man and desire him to be part of my life because I do love him. My heart hurts because I love him and we just keep drifting together and then back apart... AND because I love him, I need his touch, his voice, and he's just not there. Won't answer my calls, texts, FB messages... When he told me he'd always answer my FB messages. Something's wrong. And part of me knows what's wrong.

You see, I'm an empath. With my abusive marriage, I'd shut my senses down so I could hope to maintain function for the sake of myself and my daughter. Since I've begun to recover, and found my soul sister, my abilities have come back and are stronger. Probably because my personal relationship with God has strengthened more than 50 fold. It says in the new testament that we have special "gifts" bestowed on us by the Holy Spirit and not everyone has the same gifts. When I go to sleep at night, I drift around to those I care about, and it turns out, if they have a modicum of emapthic ability, I create pathways through dreams where we meet.

Such is it with this one whom I love. One of the reasons that I know that he is my soul mate in truth is that he has the power to calm me with his presence. With him, there is nothing that I fear. This Thanksgiving I ate peacefully through the family meal with my toxic sister-in-law across the table spouting her poison as usual. With him, I never felt an emotional twinge one. Yes, he was a guest at my Thanksgiving table. We are friends and his respect for my parents runs deep.

Christmas week, only days before a road trip we had been planning for weeks, he left me a note again in our celestial meeting house. It explained that we wouldn't be taking the road trip together. That he can't let himself act on the love that he has for me because he's too afraid of himself. That he'll screw it up and just cause more people more pain. That he's better off by himself. I hadn't expected any physical manifestations of love between two mature adults. I'd been looking forward to this trip as two adult friends. So, when the time came for the trip, and he didn't show up or answer my messages, I really wasn't shocked. I'm still hurting. Mostly because I know why and I don't have anyone to talk to about what I know. What I feel. How I dream. My family are old fashioned Christians...And I guess, since I understand what's going on with me and have a faith walk like mine, that would make me a "new-age" Christian. Interesting thought as I walk around in denim and boots... Not your typical linen wearing, birkenstock shod, tree hugger (no offense to those who are more comfortable dressed that each his or her own).

At the same time, the man I've been dinner dating canceled a date claiming back issues (which is feasible since I know he's had several back surgeries). There hasn't been a date rescheduled since, and the daily iHearts on Facebook have ceased as well. (You see, I've tried to respect my soul mate's wishes that we just be "friends" and I've moved on and tried to date others... as there could be a chance that I'm wrong about the whole soulmate issue....) I thought this other gentleman was getting serious though we've been taking the physical aspects of relationships "slowly," as agreed.

I'll finish this later....

Monday, October 5, 2009

Hello Fair Reader and Tenants of The Sword and Butterfly, I must apologize for my absence, but things have been hectic of late. Please, take a mug of tea, pile up in a warm, over-stuffed chair, and relax for a bit. Why don't we catch up for a few minutes?

About all the various happenings of late?

I don't remember what I have and haven't told you of late. I know the other night I told you how unsupported I felt about my honor of preparing that portion of the conference meal that I was asked to do. My Chef colleagues are thrilled for me and understand the honor. My boss however, is getting close to retirement age (I imagine) and is more about the money and not being inconvenienced. Her first objection to me going was that the T(exas) C(hefs) A(ssociation) dinner was the night after I return from this conference. I have neither been invited to join the TCA, nor asked if I was even interested. The shameful way I was treated this passed spring when the TCA dinner was here in the building hasn't been any positive inducement for me to even be remotely curious about joining...never mind volunteering my time to help!
Then, I misunderstood my parents and thought they had decided that they weren't crazy about me going because of the money. But, they are very, very excited about the opportunity and know what it means to me and want me to go and will pay for it if the school won't. So, I have a bit of relief in that.

The stress on me because of my ex-husband's parents being completely in the dark about the detailed terms of our divorce has been wearing. They had no idea about the court ordered supervision and why that was imposed on THEIR son. THEIR son could "never" have done something so awful that anyone should order him to have supervised visitation. His father keeps saying: "There are two sides to every story." Yes, there are, but when his son can't tell himself the truth, much less me, or them??? What the hell IS the truth? Is the other side of the story the actual truth or fiction? All I want is the money the court ordered him to pay so that I can give my daughter what she needs, or him to give up his legal right to her so I can get on with my life, and not be beholden to any of them for anything.

I'm missing Sophie very intensely at the moment. I thought I never regretted giving her to Kevin, but the day I adopted her, I felt like we'd grow old together. And out of love for both her, and my dear friend Kevin, I sent her to live with him so that she'd have someone to wrestle with, and ride to work with when I started here and she couldn't "go with" me anymore. Then, his horrid sister had to go and murder her because she hates her sibling for some unknown reason. And, my Sophie is gone. Lukas is a cutie pie no doubt, but he isn't anything like her. From the moment our eyes met, I knew she belonged with me, that she could be my soul buffer against the nightmares. I loved the way she stretched out against my legs at night and was almost as long as me. Right now I wish I had her back, that I'd never doubted that we could make the adjustment to me not being home so much and that she needed a better, more physical home. Cause, she was too much dog for mom, but truly, both her strength and her gentleness with me were just perfect. It was like she sensed when I was about to have an anxiety attack and would come lean on my leg and nuzzle my hand. One of the black patches on her left side was almost a perfect heart shape. She would have been with me a year this week.

A dear elder cousin is making her final journey this week. Her liver and kidneys are failing. Mother called early this morning and was very distraught. Of Dad's very large family, Mom was closer to Janelle and her husband than most family members more contemporary to their age. Janelle was the only child of my grandfather's only brother and a 4th grade teacher in McGregor for ever and a day, and they were fixtures at the football games on Friday night as all three children were involved to some degree or other in football and the other extra-curriculars attached to that. I am very close to Janice, Jackie, and James (although James, the youngest is 4 years older than me) and my heart just aches for everyone. Especially her dear husband. I know James Sr. will be quite lost without her. So you see, there are teachers galore in my family, and ministers, and business people.

There are bright spots as some of my little "caterpillars" who are starting to find their way out of their cocoons and find that they have new wings. I am so proud of some of them for finding their feet, voices, and courage to become the fine young women that God has created them to be. If I've had to walk though these dark valleys, being able to help someone understand that there is hope for sunshine and happiness on the other side is all the solace I need.

Sadness and triumphs abound in this life and it is awesome that they can all exist in one space and time.
Rest well~

Friday, August 21, 2009

Graduation Day

Fairy Pictures, Images and Photos

Welcome, dear reader. Come in, sit down, have a mug of coffee or a cup of tea. Find a comfy spot and read a while, rest, open your mind, and maybe find thoughtful contemplation. Everyone is welcome here. You stay may be as long, or brief as you feel necessary for your journey. While you are here, it is my sincere hope that you find a bit of what you need and leave some of your care and dead weight behind.

Recently I lost a 34 year old student of a massive heart attack. To me, Teresa was an amazing woman. She had been through a lot in her 34 years, given birth to 4 beautiful children, and was in a place in her life where she wanted to make a difference. Admittedly, I was not quite sure what to make of her at first, but as I grew to know her, I appreciated her deeply. It was shocking and deeply saddening that she was gone so quickly. It made me contemplate how brief our time is here and how we must make good use of every moment that we are given. Yet, I can only hope that as suddenly as she went, that whatever she was sent to this world to do or learn, she accomplished. That SHE got her graduation day. That now, she is on to the next kingdom where she will rule in divine service to her King and be a strong a wise servant.

Saturday Ms. Francis died at the age of 91. In our community you really had to be a moron NOT to know her. She was a local piano teacher, Lion's Club Member, Rotarian, the ram-rod of the volunteer EMS for years. There wasn't anything (as far as I am concerned), that Francis could NOT do. There were many a cold, dreary piano lesson before school when due to one thing or another, I just was not prepared to pursue the fine art of caressing the ivories. Her motherly and grandmotherly insight always seemed to know just what would help. Whether it was sending me in to watch cartoons with her husband, John Hugh (whom I adored equally as much), or suddenly needing another cup of coffee, Francis knew just what to do. In her kitchen with a mug of tea or hot chocolate in my hands, all my cares would slip away as we talked about all matter of things. There was nothing too frivolous or infantile that you could not tell Francis. When nobody else understood, Ms. Francis did. Francis knew me before I was born, so we'd always been connected. Her favorite story to tell me was of Mother and Dad's wedding. That was back in the 60's when women still did elegant things like wear hats and gloves to semi-formal and formal affairs. Francis played the organ for the wedding and wore a tangerine orange outfit. Due to the excruciating heat of the July afternoon, and no air conditioning in the church, Francis had orange hands for a week! She delighted in never letting Dad forget that fact! Francis was a strong, amazing, powerful, empowering woman. One I am so lucky to have had in my life. She was only a couple of years younger than my grandmother, who is still with us. Her daughters had her laid out in a deep plum suit. The color suited her well. She was, after all, royalty. Even at the visitation with her daughters, their children, and grandchildren around, I could feel her and John Hugh there in the room with us all. I could imagine them arm-in-arm, reunited in Francis' graduation day, watching us all lovingly remember not only her, but both of them and what they had meant to each of us in our lives. I'm going to miss Ms. Francis. Miss the thought that I'll ever be able to pop through the back door of that gorgeous old house and hear her wonderful voice exclaim over me and my latest news anymore. Happy Graduation Francis, if anyone deserved it, it was you.

Yesterday was my soul sister's birthday. Chas turned 26. It was as close to the birthday that I wanted for her as distance and circumstance would allow. Talk about an amazing young woman. This is my Chas. She has lived lifetimes in her 26 years. Lifetimes that could destroy weaker people. These lifetimes have, and still are carving a brilliant masterpiece in this woman. She is so amazing and does not even know the half of what and who she is. Chas has the survivor gene. Even when the brain box screams: "I can't anymore," the soul digs in, reaches above, and carries on. The best thing is that the Lord doesn't leave his daughters to manage on their own. We ask, and he leads us to each other. The stronger, more long conditioned, healed of the group, lock hands with the next, and she hold out her hand; locking hands with the next, and so on. We are an interlocking chain of wonderful, powerful women. The last may not know the first, but we are all united in a bond that many will never have the misfortune of understanding.

But, maybe then, it isn't misfortune at all! Maybe it's a profound privilege.

About a month ago I told my Chas that this was her butterfly year. She gets to exit the crysalis that has been her previous life, dry her wings, and start exercising them for her new life. For her new flight. I don't think she was impressed at all. There was even the occasional late night text expressing her dismay at being a butterfly. Now, she has a new apartment, in a new location, where she has vastly better opportunities. She is very likly on the cusp of a whole new job that will be such an amazing opportunity for her! I'm so excited I can hardly stand myself sometimes. It's her graduation day. She gets to start a new chapter in her life.

We can always get stuck in the disappointment that our lives aren't where we had envisioned them for our present stage in life, and we can cry, and throw fits, but what good does that do? It's really just a waste of energy, but sometimes we just need to express our frustrations, get it all out, and not be such a pressure cooker about all the road blocks. Implosions aren't good. It just makes us a mess on the inside.

"When I look back at where I've been,
I see that what I am becoming is a whole
lot further down the road from where I was."
--- Gloria Gaither

I'm in the middle of a graduation period in my life. It is good. I can't wait to see where I'm going. This life graduation is an adventure. One I'm looking forward to.


Sunday, August 9, 2009

Soul Care 101

Welcome, dear reader. Come in, sit down, have a mug of coffee or a cup of tea. Find a comfy spot and read a while, rest, open your mind, and maybe find thoughtful contemplation. Everyone is welcome here. You stay may be as long, or brief as you feel necessary for your journey. While you are here, it is my sincere hope that you find a bit of what you need and leave some of your care and dead weight behind.

We all need soul care, most who come to the Sword and Butterfly do. One of the first places that needs to be healed, dear reader, is the heart. You cup, your heart has been given of till it is dry and has not been nourished, nurtured, or refilled as it so naturally needs. Today I shall direct you to the library. Here, I will point out a few volumes, then show you to a suite for a bubble bath and some much needed quiet time. I suggest you check one out, and work your way through. Each has found personal meaning in my life. I pray that you as well may find just what you are longing for within the pages.

The first is: The Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkenson. It is a short read, but very full of powerful, healing truths. This is one to purchase and read at least once a year.

The second is: Fight Like a Girl by Lisa Bevere. This my friends, is the book that will draw you closer to God. Or at least, I pray that it will. I wondered why God created me if I didn't, couldn't please my husband. Well, come to find out, God has a divine purpose for His capstone creation, which as women, we are. Pleasing a man isn't my job. Isn't your job. Our job is to love our ultimate bridegroom, Christ. Work towards becoming the woman that He knows we can be. He already knows that we are beautiful, smart, and perfectly created in God's own image. If we work on loving him, perfectly, then there will be a smart man that comes along and seeks our hand to be his consort in the garden of this world that God entrusted to him. When we love ourselves enough to take care of the creation that we are in Him, then we reflect His glory to the world and are the blessings He intended for us to be.

The Shack by William P. Young, is another book. This book gave me the spiritual assurance that I needed to leave my abusive marriage. I met God on a new and more intimate level in this book. I knew that because of sin, we encounter bad in this world, and because God gave us free will, he chooses not to interfere, but to always work good from the bad. Because of the things I have experienced in the last 7 months of my life, I believe this to be a sacred truth. I have gone through many shadow bound valleys, but He has always been there with me, protected me, and brought me to the other side to experience Him and his love in new and more majestic ways. I pray that if you choose to pick up this volume, that you meet God on a whole new level too.

There are so many more books here that are wonderful for soul care. Try these first.

The hour grows late and we are needed for our gifts dear sisters. Revive your souls and rise up for your King. You are the crowning glory of his creation.


Sunday, August 2, 2009

The Beauty of the Feminine Form

Welcome, dear reader. Come in, sit down, have a mug of coffee or a cup of tea. Find a comfy spot and read a while, rest, open your mind, and maybe find thoughtful contemplation. Everyone is welcome here. You stay may be as long, or brief as you feel necessary for your journey. While you are here, it is my sincere hope that you find a bit of what you need and leave some of your care and dead weight behind.

Tonight I bring to you the ponderance of what is considered feminine beauty. I have to thank my sister, Sid for urging this thought to the surface. It had been churning well below the surface, but now, with a little encouragement, I have brought it into the cozy snug that is just off the Inn's Great Room. Here, we shall safely examine it in it's many fascets and perhaps come to some determinations of our own. I believe all women, from a very young age, wrestle with this question and most go to their graves yet a slave to horrible misconceptions of what is and is not beautiful.

I myself have struggled with the question of physical beauty from a very young age. First to be severely underweight, and then almost over night, become an obese child. It was a nightmare. I hated being the "fat kid," but what could I do when books and food were my only friends? In the 70's parents didn't quite understand things like that (but in my case, they came late to understand and regret their own nievete). Then came puberty, the bane of a young girl's existance; especially mine as it came so young. I needed a bra a whole year before my parents could come to grips with the fact their baby girl was becoming a young woman; a fact that is achived in the anals of the school photo albums. Junior High brought Weight Watchers. By my sophomore year, I was pretty good looking, but then there was a bigger price. I got hooked on the happy feeling of being accepted because I was finally "visually appealing" to what society acknowledged as beauty. From there, bulemia set in. Right along with Princess Di, I was skipping meals, gulping diet pills, laxatives, diuretics, pounding grapefruit juice, water, tea, and gensing before anyone in mainstream America knew what to do with it!

At seventeen years of age, I was a size 6 jean, and weighed 125 pounds, and with my frame, that was not a good thing. My cheeks were sunken, my pelvic bones pertruded. And I didn't care. I wanted more. Half the time I was sick because I had no immune system to speak of. I didn't care. I wasn't the fat kid anymore. I was thin. I was acceptable. Nobody in my familoy had to be ashamed of me anymore.

But really, were they ever? Or was it I that was ashamed of me?

All those Seventeen magazines, and Guess jeans, and Body Glove bathing suits.... Those pictures; telling me what the commercial idea of acceptable beauty was. That was what was beautiful and acceptable, right?

What about intelligence? What about a few curves and ripe, lush breasts? Some women these days are dying to buy a pair that I come by naturally. ***Giggles*** Some even by pairs of Gurnzy Cow Udders because that seems to be what they think are beautiful. (Forgive the ananlogy fair reader, I myself am but a lowly country girl and everything seems to relate back to the farm, or a fine American motor)

Reflect back on art, dear reader? Did the Masters paint and extole the virtue of the wafer thin woman? Perhaps a few, but consider Peter Paul Reubens' paintings for a moment. Even the "thinner" women still had curves and busts.

Young women these days are being encouraged to go even thinner that the young women of the high school years late 80's and early 90's, from which I hail. While out with a friend of mine the other night at a popular sports bar and grill, I watched the evening social scene play out before me. I noticed several young women about who were indeed-- wafer thin. I couldn't help but mentally call them: "See Through Girls." Honestly, I was afraid if they opened their over sized blouses, that were loosely belted at the waist, I could have indeed seen their vital organs through their skin. There could not have been an ounce of fat on their bodies. My second thought, (God forgive me) was: "How could a guy want to have sex with that? There is nothing to hold on to for one, and secondly, wouldn't he be afraid he'd break her?" How could young women like this actually be happy? Were they? The one in hot pink and black plaid looked miserable. Made me want to buy her a Guiness and a Cheeseburger and have a long chat with her about what makes a woman beautiful and unique.

Fair reader, feminine beauty comes in many forms. Honestly, it comes from the inside out. Confidence, intellgence, wit, and a sense of humor are all attribute that start from the inside and make a woman, no matter what her size, a beautiful, attractive person. Now, I am not condoning morbid obesity, or the horribly, morbidly thin. No, not at all; to the contrary I am encouraging you fair reader to get healthy. Weather it is eating healthier and exercising to gain control of weight one way or the other, or just merely to improve general health, you are worth it! When you take these steps, your inner beauty is cleansed and begins to shine through all the more.

As I have said before. You, fair reader, are the crowning glory of God's creation. You were the final creation, not an after thought, but the culmination of all else that was created before you. Do not abuse your body for the sake of what any lame brained, materialistic prick calls beautiful. God is the only one who gets to decide what is beautiful. Take some time dear friend, fall in love with yourself. If you are unhappy with where you are presently, make a game plan and go for it. But keep in mind what is healthy and realistic for you. Do not let your friends or family make this decision for you. It isn't theirs to make. Only yours. Just please, whatever you do, do not become addicted to loosing weight. Know when to say when and just maintain.

You are loved. Don't forget that.

Until next time~
Blessings, Liv

Monday, July 27, 2009

Soul Matters

Welcome, dear reader. Come in, sit down, have a mug of coffee or a cup of tea. Find a comfy spot and read a while, rest, open your mind, and maybe find thoughtful contemplation. Everyone is welcome here. You stay may be as long, or brief as you feel necessary for your journey. While you are here, it is my sincere hope that you find a bit of what you need and leave some of your care and dead weight behind.

I have a present struggle. One I both love with deep affection and loathe with equal fervor. It is the longing for a power mate. I walk this plane in service to my sisters of the flesh; a champion for those who are lost and confused about the powers God, the creator gave them to fight in this realm. I give with all my heart and all my soul because it is what I was created for, to teach my sisters that God created them beautiful and unique in their own design. That we are the fairer sex, gifted with powers that transcend those bestowed on the male gender. Those attributes do not make us the weaker sex, it makes us the wiser sex. Over and over in God's own word, He refers to wisdom in the feminine. God fashioned us with words and fondness for language and communication for a reason. Our words can turn away wrath, harm, and even heal. Our tongue is a magnificent sword and we do not need massive physical strength to wield it. What we DO need is confidence found in a serene spirit; that allows wisdom to shine through and make wise choices. That is also why we were created to be man's mate...His perfect consort. Even in my almost fourteen years of marriage, I never had a true mate. It was a lonely existance. One that I hope to rectify with this worlds marital "divorce." A body, mind, and soul purging...Recovery, renewal, rebirth.

Year by year his methodically sucked the life out of me. I was dying. I took my child and ran. Now, I am safe on the other side. But in terms, I've only been away from that abuse but a small fraction of time, although my recovery has been miraculously rapid in many ways. Why the longing for a power mate? Why endanger myself like that again? My human-ness demands of me: "NO! Not again. NEVER again. They are ALL like that; terrible, selfish, incapable of life-giving love and affection. They only use leave you to slowly wither away to nothingness." My eternal-ness says: "No, dear one, this is not the truth and we must always stand in truth. There is one out there for you. Your true power mate. He will come when it is time. Not to worry."

I do not know if it is actually a worry or a random rhumination, but I do wonder. Is there really a male out there who is strong enough to be MY power mate. I cannot deny that I am strong willed. I expect great things of myself and hold myself to very high standards. So, if he is strong enough to be my power mate, is he gently and affectionate, and insiteful enough to minister to my heart, mind and soul when I am exhausted? Does such a man exist who can love and adore me for who I am? The woman caught in the middle of two planes of existance? The eternal stranger. Down-home country girl? Chef who specializes in fine cuisine? Percieved to "fancy" and sophisticated for the one set, and not well turned out and affluent enough for the other...

There are nights like tonight when exhaustion is rampant when I long for that power mate to be here. That relationship established with a Godly man so I do not have to be strong, but lay back and rest and be protected and feel safe. Complete. Right. Whole.

This may be a long wrestle. One that no dating website or bull like that will find the person I need. Good Night all.