Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Alone, But Not, Continued...

Hello fair reader... Or shall I say: "Fair void in space where I dump my brain?" For nobody actually reads my thoughts. This is merely a cyber prayer to God that someone might stumble upon, but the possibility of that is, in itself, infinitesimally small.

I had a lengthy blog night before last when I attempted to continue my aching soul's musings on my present relational state of affairs. LoL... Or shall we say: "Sad lack of any sort of relational affair?" I mused on a dream that I had, which cemented it further into my tired, thirsty brain. I wrote about in in sharp detail, but when I hit: "Publish Post," it disappeared. The hour was late, and in disgust, I merely logged out and went to bed. My quadra-ped and I cannot keep hours deep into the night and still awake and become functional by the predawn hour when I need to come about and get myself to work.

This Saturday, the 16th, at 3:15 pm it will have been three weeks since I heard the voice of my gentleman friend with whom I was hoping I was building some sort of relationship. Four months of dates, four months of puppy love style flirting between mature adults, and all of the sudden... Nothing. Friends try to encourage me, that as he is in the collegiate education business as well, an the semester is just now starting, that he could well have been as busy trying to prepare as I have been. Busy enough that even signing on to Facebook to send an iHeart for the day might not have been feasible. Something tells me that the encouragement may be for naught. I don't know. The whole business just makes me sad.

But the dream was beautiful. Maybe I'll try writing about it again sometime soon. If I can recall what it is at all...
Wish I could have Grape Nuts and Honey Greek Yogurt for breakfast in the morning. Instead, it will be a 100% protein, less than 200 calorie snack. Gotta get back in my curvy girl jeans.
That seems to be it for now~~

OH! PS~~
I saw this wallpaper last night that I saved back because I liked it so much... "I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times, hard to handle. BUT if you can't handle me at my worst, then you ABSOLUTELY DON't deserve me at my best........

I think I like that!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Strangely Alone, but Not....

Hello Fair Reader and Tenants of The Sword and Butterfly, I must apologize for my absence, but things have been hectic of late. Please, take a mug of tea, pile up in a warm, over-stuffed chair, and relax for a bit. Why don't we catch up for a few minutes?

angel Pictures, Images and Photos

When I started this blog, I started it for a myraid of reasons. Most of which was to express my heart and my mind through a journey of recovery back from emotional, psychological, and financial abuse by a former spouse. It lasted over a decade before I had the understanding and the courage to choose to get out. I hoped to be that little voice perhaps in this huge void of cyber space that somehow reaches someone going through the same thing. Maybe give them the courage to search for the strength to get out and never look back. I know that many women aren't as fortunate as I am in having a supportive family and friends to get me through and assure that I never have to look back. That is a blessing since there is a child involved who still very much loves her Daddy.

The problem with the way I attacked this blog is that I was holding part of myself back. Trying to be personal without investing ALL of myself. Whatever is a blog unless it is a real, personal expression of self? Probably just a bunch of hot air? I don't know. So, my pledge to myself from here ever after is that what is blogged here is me. My heart, my soul, my triumphs and fears... It will probably never be the epic masterpiece that was the: "Julie/Julia Project," but hey! Everyone needs something, right?

Read and reflect on the following quotation for a few minutes:

"Throughout life you will meet one person who is unlike any other. This person is one you could forever talk to. They understand you in a way that no one else does or ever could. This person is your soul mate, your best friend. Don't ever let them go, for they are your guardian angel sent from heaven up above." ~~Source Unknown

Amazing, isn't it? I found it last night and first copied and pasted it to my Facebook status. It has haunted me since. So now, it finds my way here, becuase in the minute I finished reading the quote, the image of who this person is to me, came to me. In fact, I have called him: "My Guardian Angel" for years. He's the one person in the world that I don't have to guard my tongue or my thoughts around. I have always somehow known that he gets me better than even my parents and I feel safe sharing my heart with. For the first time in decades, we are at a point in our lives where seven years difference in age doesn't matter, we've both learned a lot of lessons in life (the hard way) and really don't care about what anyone else thinks (but my parents, who are supportive of this friendship, what ever it is and becomes), and neither of us is married anymore. He tried it three times, and I just stayed in my ugly situation a little over a decade after I knew I should have gotten out.

I love him.

Dear God! How I truly love this man and desire him to be part of my life because I do love him. My heart hurts because I love him and we just keep drifting together and then back apart... AND because I love him, I need his touch, his voice, and he's just not there. Won't answer my calls, texts, FB messages... When he told me he'd always answer my FB messages. Something's wrong. And part of me knows what's wrong.

You see, I'm an empath. With my abusive marriage, I'd shut my senses down so I could hope to maintain function for the sake of myself and my daughter. Since I've begun to recover, and found my soul sister, my abilities have come back and are stronger. Probably because my personal relationship with God has strengthened more than 50 fold. It says in the new testament that we have special "gifts" bestowed on us by the Holy Spirit and not everyone has the same gifts. When I go to sleep at night, I drift around to those I care about, and it turns out, if they have a modicum of emapthic ability, I create pathways through dreams where we meet.

Such is it with this one whom I love. One of the reasons that I know that he is my soul mate in truth is that he has the power to calm me with his presence. With him, there is nothing that I fear. This Thanksgiving I ate peacefully through the family meal with my toxic sister-in-law across the table spouting her poison as usual. With him, I never felt an emotional twinge one. Yes, he was a guest at my Thanksgiving table. We are friends and his respect for my parents runs deep.

Christmas week, only days before a road trip we had been planning for weeks, he left me a note again in our celestial meeting house. It explained that we wouldn't be taking the road trip together. That he can't let himself act on the love that he has for me because he's too afraid of himself. That he'll screw it up and just cause more people more pain. That he's better off by himself. I hadn't expected any physical manifestations of love between two mature adults. I'd been looking forward to this trip as two adult friends. So, when the time came for the trip, and he didn't show up or answer my messages, I really wasn't shocked. I'm still hurting. Mostly because I know why and I don't have anyone to talk to about what I know. What I feel. How I dream. My family are old fashioned Christians...And I guess, since I understand what's going on with me and have a faith walk like mine, that would make me a "new-age" Christian. Interesting thought as I walk around in denim and boots... Not your typical linen wearing, birkenstock shod, tree hugger (no offense to those who are more comfortable dressed that each his or her own).

At the same time, the man I've been dinner dating canceled a date claiming back issues (which is feasible since I know he's had several back surgeries). There hasn't been a date rescheduled since, and the daily iHearts on Facebook have ceased as well. (You see, I've tried to respect my soul mate's wishes that we just be "friends" and I've moved on and tried to date others... as there could be a chance that I'm wrong about the whole soulmate issue....) I thought this other gentleman was getting serious though we've been taking the physical aspects of relationships "slowly," as agreed.

I'll finish this later....