Monday, October 5, 2009

Hello Fair Reader and Tenants of The Sword and Butterfly, I must apologize for my absence, but things have been hectic of late. Please, take a mug of tea, pile up in a warm, over-stuffed chair, and relax for a bit. Why don't we catch up for a few minutes?

About all the various happenings of late?

I don't remember what I have and haven't told you of late. I know the other night I told you how unsupported I felt about my honor of preparing that portion of the conference meal that I was asked to do. My Chef colleagues are thrilled for me and understand the honor. My boss however, is getting close to retirement age (I imagine) and is more about the money and not being inconvenienced. Her first objection to me going was that the T(exas) C(hefs) A(ssociation) dinner was the night after I return from this conference. I have neither been invited to join the TCA, nor asked if I was even interested. The shameful way I was treated this passed spring when the TCA dinner was here in the building hasn't been any positive inducement for me to even be remotely curious about joining...never mind volunteering my time to help!
Then, I misunderstood my parents and thought they had decided that they weren't crazy about me going because of the money. But, they are very, very excited about the opportunity and know what it means to me and want me to go and will pay for it if the school won't. So, I have a bit of relief in that.

The stress on me because of my ex-husband's parents being completely in the dark about the detailed terms of our divorce has been wearing. They had no idea about the court ordered supervision and why that was imposed on THEIR son. THEIR son could "never" have done something so awful that anyone should order him to have supervised visitation. His father keeps saying: "There are two sides to every story." Yes, there are, but when his son can't tell himself the truth, much less me, or them??? What the hell IS the truth? Is the other side of the story the actual truth or fiction? All I want is the money the court ordered him to pay so that I can give my daughter what she needs, or him to give up his legal right to her so I can get on with my life, and not be beholden to any of them for anything.

I'm missing Sophie very intensely at the moment. I thought I never regretted giving her to Kevin, but the day I adopted her, I felt like we'd grow old together. And out of love for both her, and my dear friend Kevin, I sent her to live with him so that she'd have someone to wrestle with, and ride to work with when I started here and she couldn't "go with" me anymore. Then, his horrid sister had to go and murder her because she hates her sibling for some unknown reason. And, my Sophie is gone. Lukas is a cutie pie no doubt, but he isn't anything like her. From the moment our eyes met, I knew she belonged with me, that she could be my soul buffer against the nightmares. I loved the way she stretched out against my legs at night and was almost as long as me. Right now I wish I had her back, that I'd never doubted that we could make the adjustment to me not being home so much and that she needed a better, more physical home. Cause, she was too much dog for mom, but truly, both her strength and her gentleness with me were just perfect. It was like she sensed when I was about to have an anxiety attack and would come lean on my leg and nuzzle my hand. One of the black patches on her left side was almost a perfect heart shape. She would have been with me a year this week.

A dear elder cousin is making her final journey this week. Her liver and kidneys are failing. Mother called early this morning and was very distraught. Of Dad's very large family, Mom was closer to Janelle and her husband than most family members more contemporary to their age. Janelle was the only child of my grandfather's only brother and a 4th grade teacher in McGregor for ever and a day, and they were fixtures at the football games on Friday night as all three children were involved to some degree or other in football and the other extra-curriculars attached to that. I am very close to Janice, Jackie, and James (although James, the youngest is 4 years older than me) and my heart just aches for everyone. Especially her dear husband. I know James Sr. will be quite lost without her. So you see, there are teachers galore in my family, and ministers, and business people.

There are bright spots as some of my little "caterpillars" who are starting to find their way out of their cocoons and find that they have new wings. I am so proud of some of them for finding their feet, voices, and courage to become the fine young women that God has created them to be. If I've had to walk though these dark valleys, being able to help someone understand that there is hope for sunshine and happiness on the other side is all the solace I need.

Sadness and triumphs abound in this life and it is awesome that they can all exist in one space and time.
Rest well~